Being realistic with expectations

This week I attended a seminar about LDS woman and depression. The speaker, Kris Doty a professor at UVU who specializes in woman and depression, spoke about something that she called “toxic perfectionism” and it really struck a chord with me. There is an inherent conflict in doctrinal idea of “Be ye perfect” and the social culture that pervades the church that we never can be. Doctrinally to be “perfect” is to be complete or whole. This is not achieved in our lifetime. The Savior only put himself on the same level of perfection with Heavenly Father AFTER he had been resurrected (3rd Nephi 12:48). If the Savior in his mortal life was never considered “perfect” why do we think that we can be? This idea that we have of the “perfect” Mormon woman is someone who:  reads her scriptures daily, cooks a Gourmont meal every day, sews her kids clothes, exercises daily, always looks good for her spouse, does her visiting teaching on the first of every month, bakes fresh bread, does school projects, works on the side, cuts her kids hair, gardens and keeps an immaculate house. The list could go on and on but one of the points that Prof. Doty brought up is that this woman does not exist!! And this is not a bad thing! The gospel plan is often referred to as the “Plan of Happiness” and the gospel does bring a great peace and joy into our lives, this does NOT mean however that if we go through periods of unhappiness or depression that we are somehow not living the gospel to its fullest. If we place upon ourselves the pressures of perfection we will find that we cannot maintain that pace for long without sacrificing our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Enduring to the end will be much easier if we can realistically set boundaries for ourselves concerning what we can do. This gospel makes me happy but sometimes I am sad and that is okay.

Kristin

Hope

Next week my little family is moving to Ohio. The closest person I know will live over 500 miles away. I have never been farther than 30 minutes from family for longer than weeks.  Needless to say, I am terrified. I try to have a smile and be excited about this 'adventure'.  I try to be positive and optimistic. But the truth is, I am terrified. I don't want to go.  I want to stay in close reach of my family, my comfort.  I know this is a good path for us to take, but all the uncertainties keep creeping up in my mind.  The negative and unsure thoughts keep overpowering the good thoughts. I can only think of how hard life will be, how I hate packing, and how I can't do this.

But I'm wrong.

I can do this.

In quiet contemplation, I get a burst of hope. A chance to see the light, that not all is wrong. Not all will fail and be miserable. I see that there will be a chance to start a new, to hope for our future and to strive for our goals.

Don't give up. Don't give up to the despair that can so easily find a place in our hearts. Don't give step to the negative thoughts.  Fight for the hope of the future. That things can and will get better.

This video helps me to remember to always have HOPE.  Enjoy.

-Cherstin

More Than Just the Winter Blues

{Warning: This is a very personal post! You may or may not agree or understand, but this has been a recent and personal journey of mine that I feel to share…}

This past winter was a very difficult one for me. I’ve struggled on many levels. For the first time in my adulthood, I felt consistently down. I didn’t feel like myself. I got moody, irritable, and critical at the snap of a finger (Usually my own finger being pointed at someone else .) At first I just thought I had the winter blues. But after a few months it still wasn’t going away. {And I actually learned when it was time to put myself to bed, because I had nothing nice to say!}     

One day as I was feeling really down and out of sorts, these feelings took a name! I realized I was experiencing depression. As I validated what I was experiencing and was honest with myself, I realized I really needed the Lord’s help. Such a simple concept really, but many times, the answer is simple. I knew I wasn’t going to wake up the next day, “all better.” I knew then that I was being given a personal trial that could allow me to become closer and more like my Savior if I so chose.

I also took a personal life evaluation and recognized several contributing factors to my feelings of stress, discouragement, and negativity. Some of these factors I could control, most of them I could not. But either way, I understood that it was essential that my spirit be nourished on a daily basis. I began to devote more time to uplifting reading whether in the scriptures, conference talks, or church books. I had a newfound craving for spiritual messages. I could feel the hunger in my spirit. My personal prayers also became more meaningful and specific. I acknowledged what I was feeling, but sincerely prayed for the strength and guidance to overcome these feelings. I also focused on what factors I could control and strived to become at peace with those I could not. As I fed my spirit and tried to replace negative feelings with positive ones, I slowly started to feel better. I say slowly, because I had to work very hard at my negative feelings and they still got the better of me on many occasions. But I also saw progress, which renewed my hope and my resolve to keep trying. 

I also found Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk entitled, “Grateful in Any Circumstances,” most encouraging. He explained that we do not have to be pleased with our circumstances, but we can choose to be grateful for and acknowledge the blessings we do have. President Uchtdorf also taught the higher law of gratitude which is to be a grateful person, not just grateful for certain things. I’m encouraged by his words and feel a sincere desire to embrace this for myself and strive to cultivate a disposition of gratitude. 

I don’t remember the exact day anymore, but I do remember recently waking up one day and feeling like this fog had been lifted off of me and I felt more like myself again. In the spirit of gratitude I said a prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for this blessing. Although I still had a long way to go, I also knew that my prayers were heard and were answered.

My heart goes out to any and everyone who has experienced depression or may be going through it themselves. This is a very personal emotion because everyone experiences it differently and on different levels, but there are shared feelings. I’ve only shared from my own experiences. But I do know that we are loved eternally by our Heavenly Father. I know that our struggles are known and understood by our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I am truly grateful and humbled by His infinite atonement that extends us the grace and mercy we need to not only be cleansed but also healed. Although I would not choose to feel depressed, I am grateful for the deeper understanding I have gained because of this trial. I move forward striving to feel His love more abundantly, being more mindful and grateful for His bounteous blessings, and daily exercising the power of our Savior’s infinite atonement.

---Dalynne

Overcoming Sadness and Finding Joy

When I was in Nursing School, we learned about Postpartum Depression.  I passed the test, did all the homework, and thought "surely mothers are just being self-centered, and not appreciative of their new children"  Yes. I realize this was horrible of me to think, and you know what? I definitely learned my lesson.  That lesson was learned through having children of my own, and suffering myself through this depression.  

At the time, I didn't understand what was going on. Here, I had a wonderful baby boy who was adorable, I had a loving supportive husband and things were going fine. No major setback, no major trials, nothing. But I HATED life. I would cry every night, and would yell and scream for no reason.  At the flip of a switch too.  One second I would be happy and laughing, and literally 2 SECONDS later, I was screaming and yelling and crying. My poor husband. Here he thought he married a sweet girl, only to find out I was a total Monster!  The first year after my little boy was born, was absolutely horrible, in my mind. I seriously could not think of anything good. Ever. Any day or night.  It was hard, to say the least.  Several things made it harder than it probably had to be.

First, I was in denial about what it was.  Postpartum Depression?  Me?  No way!  Life just stinks.  I refused to call it what it was, and seek help for it. And because of that, I was in a constant cycle of happy...sad...try harder...nope, still sad.

Second, Even after I started to realize it was Postpartum Depression, I thought 'I can handle it', 'I don't need help'.  I was too prideful to even consider asking for help. I thought, If the 'pioneer women could raise 10 children by themselves, by Golly, I should be able to handle 1.  This is such a horrible thought process, because it minimizes our own trials ( or someone else's trials) by comparing them.  People can handle different things. What is hard for me, may be easy for you, and vice versa. 

Third, I had this crazy notion that I was the only one who was suffering through this.  I seriously thought, 'This is only happening to me'. Boy, is that wrong!  So many women are going through this, but we keep it to ourselves.  Its hard when we seem to only see the 'perfect lives' of people, but we need to realize we are not the only ones struggling with this, there is strength in knowing we are not alone.  

Not to say Postpartum Depression isn't difficult by itself, because it surely is!  but, I also think I made it that much worse because of these three things.  And the more I have talked to other mothers...the more I have realized many of us go through this and do these three things.  

So many women go through this struggle. We need to never be afraid or ashamed. There are those who can help, either because they have gone through something similar or because they simply LOVE you! 

But there is hope.  There are so many ways that we can endure through this struggle and come out of this trial with happiness and hope in the future!  We are here to have JOY!  and to focus on the good in our lives!  And no, I'm not saying we can just think 'I'm going to be happy'  and then, magically we are happy.  I know it doesn't work like this. And I know some people struggle with Depression for years, possibly most of their lives.  No, what I am saying, is that when we put forth effort, whatever effort that is, big or small. then we will be blessed for it. Our Savior has not left us alone. He is here for us and He wants us to succeed. 

Elder Scott, in a talk entitled "Finding Joy in Life" wrote: "Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. The Lord inspired Lehi to declare the fundamental truth, “Men are, that they might have joy.”  That is a conditional statement: “they might have joy.” It is not conditional for the Lord. His intent is that each of us finds joy. It will not be conditional for you as you obey the commandments, have faith in the Master, and do the things that are necessary to have joy here on earth." You can find the talk here

I have learned that we can have hope for the future.  And this has come to me through faith, patience and understanding. 

To those who struggle with Depression, or any other mental struggles, I would suggest another talk, by Elder  Holland 'Like A Broken Vessel' found here.

-Cherstin